Ramblings: Raw thoughts that may or may not have been proofread idk
For as long as I can remember I've written stuff down. Like, my notes app is a wild mess, my Instagram close friends is pretty well my diary, but also I just generally love to share. Here, I'll have entries that I want to share. Maybe they're in a moment, or maybe they're from the past, or maybe they're looking to the future. I don't know how this is going to shape out, but I'll include the index below.
When I first started at my work in my current position back in 2023, I was invited to the Global Indigenous Community of Practice call, where we take one-hour out of every two months to have chats about what we’re up to all over the world with respect to our Indigenous-focusing work. Some folks from the New Zealand member firm presented an approach to their work grounded in Māori principles on the cycle of the sun. I remember being so giggly and excited thinking about how that manager was able to share culture in a place like a professional services firm and it let me know that I could do that, too. It gave me an idea of a path forward and where I can go.
In early 2024, someone at work reached out to me with questions about Indigenous engagement in the Canadian context. He had hoped to connect me with members of the New Zealand member firm so that I could share some best practices and start a conversation. I was connected to a senior consultant out there, who connected me with his team slowly. We brought together people from our two countries to have conversations about so many different topics relating to our experiences as Indigenous peoples. It was hard to keep it business related, and from turning into an opportunity to share about First Nations/Māori realities and how we go forward. We had a handful of these calls slowly growing among different team members until they stopped abruptly when I had to take some medical leave from work. As I do, I got worried that I stopped responding, got self-conscious that I took too long to respond, and I didn’t respond, creating a reinforcing cycle with me ending up never reaching out again.
A sense of identity
My mom and I have a strange relationship that we’re working through. What I admire about her is that she lays gems of advice and wisdom that really sticks with people whether she knows it or not. One time we were chatting, and she talked to me about how I read as being very “ethnically ambiguous” which is very true. I’m Salish, Fijian, Czech, Irish, and English. When I worked at McDonald’s, one of the older women who used to come in for a coffee and muffin said that I was “Heinz 57” to represent the 57 varieties of tomatoes that they use in their ketchup. She is kind of right.
I don’t really fit in… visually. I’ve always had broad shoulders, big calves, freckles, a big mouth framed by big cheeks, black eyebrows with brown hair adorned with red speckles, a bigger frame, and so forth. Something I forget is the fact in elementary school I used to get made fun of for my freckles and it always bugged me that I couldn’t take a cloth and wipe my face clean. I didn’t really fit in and I’ve just gotten used to it. I’m uniquely me, and I’ve always accepted it. Through years of heartache and hating my image so much that I couldn’t even look in mirrors, I was about 13 when I finally started to like how I look and since about 20 I’ve actually started to love aspects of who I am. My black eyebrows are fierce, my smile shares perfectly how happy I am, my broad shoulders make me look tough, and I am thankful for my big calves because they take me and show me the world that I love so much.
Back to my mom, I had accepted the idea that I won’t look like anyone in Canada because of my unique ethnic makeup. It was one day she randomly told me that I very clearly have features of a mixed-Fijian boy. I bet she didn’t know the impact of what she said - where she taught me that the “truth” that I’ve accepted that there isn’t anyone that looks like me, isn’t true. It turns out that I just haven’t been in a space with many Fijians.
How the trip came to be
In a typical fashion for my sister, the University of Cambridge and their Department of Anthropology had contacted my sister to put together a selection of pieces. Hoping to be there to support her and to have a chance to travel, I cleared it with her to attend the opening of the exhibition in mid-May. When I planned the trip originally in November, I was going to take three weeks off work to dart around Europe with the intent to entertain the idea of going to grad school before going to Cambridge for the opening. I had hoped to tour campuses and keep it to myself with this idea that maybe I could move somewhere else to pursue higher education. It all came to a head in early April when I sat with myself and finally allowed myself to mutter the words - I don’t want to go to Europe.
Please don’t get me wrong; I love Europe with all my heart… truly. Give me about 30 minutes and no hard talking points and I’ll eventually shift the conversation to some aspect of Europe be it through transportation or the general way of life. What was different about this time is the commitment I made to myself earlier this year in what I hoped to do for this year, 2025: to be more intentional with my travel. I don’t want to go to Europe.
I cannot tell you a single specific reason as to why New Zealand has always called my name. There have been little things that have drawn me in; Air New Zealand and their safety videos/livery, Lorde, Jacinda Ardern, Hana Rawhiti, the Fijian diaspora, similarities in how New Zealand is to Australia as Canada is to the United States, the role of Māori in daily life, Kiwi birds, the black passport, the nature, having to clean your shoes to protect nature, to name a few. There’s a wealth of things that have been calling me to visit but I’ve let the calls go to voicemail for… years. I’ve always used the term that a place is “calling me” and if that phrase could be used for one place, it would be New Zealand.
In August when I was at a low point of my health I had a tarot reading and the first thing she did was ask about my relation to place, and where is calling me. She told me to listen to my first thought, and in that moment, New Zealand came to mind. A habit of mine that I am working to break is that when I don’t believe in myself I push things away - I told her that it may be New Zealand and it has been calling me for quite some time and she interrupted me to tell me to “answer the call” with a smile and a giggle so that I could get the answers I needed. She was very right in that I had to answer the call.
Fast forward to the middle of April just before the trip, I made the decision to cancel the European part of my three weeks off and instead make a trip to New Zealand. I had few plans I just knew that I wanted to go to New Zealand, meet people that I’ve worked with, and finally answer that call. After working through cancelling flights, trains, and hotels, I booked new flights and hotels three short weeks in advance. I would start on April 29th heading towards Auckland via Sydney. May 5th dipping down to Wellington, and picking up a rental car on the night of May 6th to make my way back with a stop in Clive on the night of the 7th to arrive back in Auckland on the 8th, and then leaving Auckland towards London on the 11th. Decorated throughout the trip were three meetings with coworkers that I worked with from the New Zealand member firm, after having posted in the Indigenous CoP channel that I was coming to visit and hoped to meet folks in-person.
Can you believe it? Auckland!
My dad brought me to the airport and he was quieter than normal. He’s usually pretty quiet, but this time it was a bit more noticeable. After me trying to fill the silence a few times, talking about my trip and my excitement: “you’re not coming back, are you.” Had I made it that obvious? My excitement was there, sure. But as with most things in life, the people I care about knew what I was thinking before I did.
We went to White Spot at the Vancouver Airport to have a little dinner before parting ways. My dad got a BC Chicken Burger, and I got a Bacon Cheddar Burger. He got iced tea no ice, and I got a lemonade. It’s very typical for the both of us, and it reminds me that I’m a creature of habit just like my dad. By this point, I had paper copies of my boarding passes and I kept looking at the Auckland destination and being unable to contain how giddy I was. I remember showing it to my dad and saying “can you believe it? Auckland!” and I was met with one of his classic looks like how a sitcom character looks at the audience breaking the fourth wall as if to say “get a load of this guy.” We say our goodbyes, take some pictures before I go through security and then I’m off.
29/04/2025 - Me and my dad just before airport security in Vancouver
Airports are made for spiralling.
There were two times I had a feeling similar, but only one of those times was it really similar. When I travel somewhere really significant and undertake something with a geographic element, I start to question every choice I made while waiting for my flight. This happened first when I went to Europe by myself for five weeks after graduating in 2023, and then when I was going to Costa Rica for a month to learn Spanish. The feelings range from “what am I doing” to “why am I doing this” to “is this a mistake?” This time was different though, because there was a sense of mourning that I shared with the three people I spoke to that night (thank yous in order to BB, Grammy, and JM). JM put it well when we were both graduating - we will never be these versions of ourselves ever again.
I’ve only recently started to get a groove on back in Vancouver. I hated the idea of moving back to Vancouver after graduating, worried I was going to regress into the flat version of myself away from the colourful expressive and assertive person I became whilst at university. Only within the last two months, 18 months into my time back in Vancouver, do I feel like I’ve awaken that version of myself that was in Montreal. Not fully, but my breaths feel full again.
I feel it’s important to introduce the world to Grammy, for those of you who don’t know her. Back to my mum and my strange relationship, where things were lacking there my grandma, who I lovingly have called Grammy for my whole life, has stepped in. I lived with her when I moved back to Vancouver after the pandemic hit (17-ish months), and while I was getting my bearings being back in Vancouver before getting my own apartment (12-ish months). Me being me, her being her, we’ve grown a very interesting relationship where we are real to one another, share our deep thoughts, and feel that we don’t judge each other. We colour in the parts of ourselves that we lost/haven’t found the colours for and I really cherish our relationship. When I called her that night at the airport, I could tell she had the same inklings as my dad. I told her how scared I was to lose this version of myself, a sense of frustration at the idea the groove I have just found in Vancouver may be abandoned in search of something different, and a general fear for the unknown. She told me to make decisions after being well-thought, to do things outside of my comfort zone, and to have fun. I found myself quietly sobbing over the phone, lines on my cheeks warm with tears while I tried to keep my voice steady telling her that I love her and that I’ll stay safe.
By that time I had let my emotional-support-27-year-old JM know the state that I was in, and he gave me a call to wish me well and to chat things through. I always appreciate our chats because he gives me that layer of knowledge that is only possible through experience. Thank you for living life so strongly that you get to share it with me.
With that, I was off to Sydney (and my eUpgrade through Air Canada cleared so I was in business class woohoo!).
01/05/2025 - Just past Fiji on our way to Sydney
Taking off from Sydney has a deep blue in the ocean and white that I really love.
I’ll skip over the flight to Sydney and the time in the lounge waiting for my flight to Auckland because it wasn’t too significant. Yeah it was a good flight, the food was good, I had a shower in the Air NZ lounge, and had a good walk through the Sydney airport. As I boarded my Air New Zealand flight to Auckland, I was welcomed to my first morsel of Kiwi culture. The kindness, intention, and hospitality was remarkable. My excitement to be on an Air New Zealand plane, let alone with the plane being a 787 Dreamliner, was quite the trip. Strangers were talking to one another, people were laughing, flight attendants were attentive, and I started to see people that looked like me. We pushed back from the gate, I got to see one of the famous Air New Zealand safety videos, and we were off. This was the first view I had into that deep ocean blue that I’ve always wanted to see. Near where I grew up, there was a Mr. Lube oil change station that had colours of blue and yellow. I don’t remember exactly how it became my thing, I think it was because when I was learning to read I accidentally called it Mr. Blue and with the big blue letters I hope you can see where I went wrong. Either way, my family always knew my favourite colours to be blue and yellow for the longest time (with blue being my quiet favourite staying a top contender since then). I loved seeing the deep blue transition to bubbling white waves on the rocky shore letting me know that there was no way I was in British Columbia anymore - it wasn’t like this at all.
01/05/2025 - The coast of Sydney as we took off towards Auckland (window tint doesn't show how blue it was)
Culture standing strong
So many other Indigenous people I know get emotional when they see strong assertions of identity through its display. The Māori have a special strength through language and culture that my Nation hasn’t been able to hold on to. On the plane, there was a short documentary about a principle of caring for the land and with it being in te reo Māori, being such a public display of culture, yeah I cried! What about it! Whenever I get emotional at a display of culture it really comes down to a few common feelings. It ranges from a frustration that this expression was taken from my ancestors, desperation to want to hold that knowledge of my culture, but it comes back to a sense of inadequacy in some way that I want to rid myself of. I’m working through it, sure. But it’s there for now.
In the end, we landed into Auckland without a hitch, and Air New Zealand seems to have a policy of playing music when they land and the moment we landed APT. by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars come on. When it came on, I rolled my eyes… why would they play such a commercially popular song when they should be highlighting Kiwi artists? Even though the song is what I can describe as a guilty pleasure of mine, I still found it strange. As we turned into the gate a huge rainbow showed itself and reminded me of where I was.
Fitting in
We landed and for some reason, things just clicked. For some reason, I’ve been finding myself tripping up on words for the last few months. But here, when I spoke to the border officer, the biosecurity officer, the bus driver, the reception at my hotel, my words came easy and I communicated exactly how I hoped and it was received exactly as such, too. I’m so used to people not exactly knowing what I mean, explaining too much, or other things that make me feel like a poor communicator. Things just felt right here, and I really felt good.
That feeling of fitting in extended further. The features that I had to learn to love about myself were on full display and were cherished. Friends out smiling, advertisements showing people that even remotely looked like me, to even be remotely involved in the beauty standard for men was a feeling that touched me more than I had imagined it could have. Even to be seen in the slightest way was unreal.
I was let known that I fit in when I was waiting for the hop-on-hop-off tour bus that had its stop just before the Auckland Transport stop, and the tour bus driver stopped even after I waved him down to say “brother this is for tourists the city bus stop is up that way.” He did a double take after I spoke with my Canadian accent and it gave me a giggle. To be in a place where I simply fit in with the way I communicate and the way I look really rocked me. Belonging is a feeling that eventually goes rancid when you find out that your previous sense of belonging wasn’t fulsome enough; and I experienced that in Auckland on day one.
02/05/2025 - The tourbus just as I got to my seat
Work perks have their ways
Going further from the Indigenous CoP, I was able to meet up in company offices on three occasions - first with folks in strategy, finance, and health in Auckland, second largely focusing on health in Wellington, and the last one was a moment to meet the folks I missed on the first Auckland visit. I wish I could say it was this productive amazing meeting with work things that happened that advanced the business I work for, but it didn’t and I’m so happy it didn’t. We had to make a business case for me to attend the offices, even with me being on PTO. Using words like “knowledge sharing session” and other buzz words to allow what we do in Indigenous circles. Meeting the Māori employees who shared the same hope, to build relationships across the ocean, but most companies don’t operate in that same way.
We talked about everything - the work we do, why we do it, where we want to go, what keeps us well, and as simple as “how are you.” It was so exciting getting to know the team and learning about what we do that every single time I forgot to take a group picture like I had hoped. Thankfully for the first Auckland team, the leader who was there encouraged us to take a picture. I feel so bad because for the first meeting, I was so excited that I forgot one of my core teachings to never come empty handed. I had intended to make cedar bracelets for everyone, but with biosecurity being so intense I had to find a trade off of how many to make or how many to risk. I ended up bringing six, and I had to make hard decisions on where they were going to, but alas, as I was making them the recipient’s name came through.
During the first Auckland meeting, I was invited to the weekly meeting with all the Māori employees on the same team. It was a way to start the week in a meaningful way, affirming community, and hearing about how each others weekend was. I was welcomed into their space and saw a fervent community in a business that doesn’t typically offer that to people like us. It took me back, and let me know that I can bring this to the spaces I am in because now I know what it looks like in reality.
05/05/2025 - On the way to the Auckland office
An open home and an open heart
During the Wellington meeting, the director of the team I was meeting with had come in towards the later end of our two hour meeting. We had a great chat all of us and then the director asked when I was leaving Wellington. I was leaving the next day, and he posed it like a fact that we should go for dinner that night. He would meet me in the lobby on my hotel at 6:00 PM, and we would decide where to go in the moment. 6:00 PM came by and he was there early. He came from the corner of the lobby in a way that reminded me of all the men that I’ve admired throughout my life. I saw my grandpa in him with the hat he wore. I saw one of my team’s directors in how he attentively listened to every word I shared. I saw one of my elders in the way he sat on his words before deciding what to say. I can’t say I really knew him before, but I am thankful for the time we spent at dinner.
The director and I shared a bit of our past present and future with one another; that’s the best way I can put it. How we got here, how we’re experiencing things, and where we see the future. Amidst all that, we had the opportunity to share with one another the complexities of our culture that are different, yet the same. He continued to ask more about my trip, and I told him that the next day I would start driving towards Auckland with a halfway point in Hawkes Bay where I had an Airbnb for the night. I showed him where it was, and he laughed saying that he lives a few minutes away from my Airbnb and offered his home for me to meet his wife and kids.
I was timid to go - I had run out of cedar bracelets, I didn’t know what to provide, and I had run out of clothes. I came with exactly two “clean and professional” outfits and even then I was stretching it with the three meetings. After a trip to the laundromat, I was ready to go. I had teetered with the idea of going because I was scared. We were about 5 hours away by drive and the director was still in Wellington so I would be going to a house in a country I had never been before to meet people that I’ve never met. It’s not that I didn’t feel safe, I just felt silly. What was I going to talk about? What was I going to say? Is this a country where it’s customary to take your shoes off at the door? I was thinking all that on the drive but as I turned into the subdivision, the song Otro Atardecer by Bad Bunny came on.
Otro Atardecer was a song that me and my ex used to listen to; the one who wanted me just as is. The thing is with him, is that although he taught me a lot about what it means to stand strong in my sexuality he held me back from progressing in a personal sense. Every success that I had was given a backhanded compliment, comparison to him not being able to, or even degrading the accomplishment entirely. I’m still working to break myself of that contradiction of success and progression meaning embarrassment, but I’m working on it slowly. Hearing Otro Atardecer in that moment, driving through the suburb of Hawkes Bay on the way to visit the family of a director at work made me feel immensely proud. This is not something to be embarrassed of, and I remember smiling as I gripped the steering wheel as I heard the guitar intro of the song. I wish I could tell that masked, unhappy version of myself how far I would go and who I would have the privilege to meet.
The director’s house was a home in all ways of the word. I knocked, and heard the very young son (likely 5) yell “I’ll get it!” as he ran to the door in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pyjamas. I introduced myself, his wife came to the door, and I was welcomed into the house by the daughter (about 7), the son, his wife, and the two aunties who left shortly after I arrived. I was offered feijoa crumble (scrumptious, by the way) and we gathered around the kitchen table. I couldn’t tell you a specific point about what we talked about, but it was a feeling of home. The director called in through FaceTime and we had a moment all of us, laughing, sharing, and inquiring about our lives and how they look similar yet are different at their foundation. The two kids then asked their mum if it was time, and then they went away and came back with two gift boxes and a book. The book is complete with Māori proverbs, and the two gift boxes each held a Pounamu necklace that each of them made. Yeah I had to fight back tears because it was the sweetest thing that I could have possibly imagined in that moment.
Shortly after that, his older son came home who is my age. He joined the conversation, we had some laughs, compared about how things are the same and different. The conversation danced around the kitchen table and by the time we knew it we had been chatting for more than three hours. We said our thank yous and see you arounds to one another, and I left feeling happy and homey.
The two Pounamu necklaces and the book given to me by the Director's family
The love letter, finally.
Who I am in a physical and spiritual sense has always made me feel alone. I’ve come to love it and I’ve found people that appreciate me giving a sense of belonging and comfort, I had never experienced some place where I fit like that. I didn’t feel strange for who I was, I felt appreciated, and I felt seen. The familiarity in natural beauty that I’ve grown up with in Vancouver being so similar to that of the North Island of New Zealand. This place gave me a sense of belonging and comfort to a degree that I had never thought to be possible.
The simple act of seeing someone who looks like you is something that I never knew the value of. The closest I’ve ever had to this feeling was in East London where there was a noticeable Pacific Island diaspora. This was nothing like New Zealand, though, where I felt like I belonged in a physical sense. It’s hard to even say exactly how I felt because it’s such a new feeling, but for the first time in a very long time I didn’t notice my body and I could just be me.
As I was leaving New Zealand and was sitting in the Auckland airport on my way towards Sydney before my longer flight towards London, I wrote an email to the folks I met through work. I’m really happy with the analogy that I put together where this trip to New Zealand gave me pieces to the puzzle that I didn’t know I was solving. I’m slowly starting to see the picture form, of what my life is going to look like in the future and what I’m going to include in my life. The interesting part is that the path I’ve been on, and the path I’m looking towards have been heavily influenced by New Zealand. How Bizarre by OMC? OMC stands for Ōtara Millionaires Club, named after a suburb in Auckland. APT. by ROSÉ? The song has danced around in my head since it came out but I didn’t know she was born in Auckland. My chosen career path? Modelled after the Māori strides and steps that have been happening for integration and collaboration with the people residing on the land. So much of what I come from, what I do, and what I aspire to do in life has been brought together by the people that make up the country of New Zealand.
So where do I go now…? I don’t know yet. Following my Grammy’s advice, I don’t want to go too fast. But, I am committing to myself to find ways to strengthen my sense of belonging and feel less alone in what I do. My favourite part about travelling is that I get to float around and see what I want to make permanent in my life, and I have a framework of an idea so far. Either way, I'll be honest with you. That tarot card reader I told you about told me to stop spreading my plans all over town because it's good to hold onto that energy for myself. If it's appropriate for me to share, I will. But I'm making a conscious effort to be more guarded with my playbook.
To Aotearoa, I want to say thank you. You let me know that I’m not alone in who I am, you revived my spirit to enact the change I want to see in the world, and you let me know that my dreams are possible. I’ve always held a certain reverence to the folks in New Zealand doing the front line work, and having “the director” share such kind words about how he can see parts of himself in me meant the world. To see people that you look up to share their time and belief in you is a gift with a world of rewards. I still don’t know the extent of what the gifts I’ve picked up during my short ten days in Aotearoa, but I know how I feel now. I feel that I am much more in control of my life, there is a bright future that I can learn about and bring back to my Nation when the time is right, and that I belong.
Thank you, Aotearoa, for everything. Until (the hopefully very soon) next time, thank you.
Miscellaneous Pictures
29/04/2025 - All the cedar bracelets I made
30/04/2025 - My seat and dinner, watching Austin Powers' Goldmember (classic movie)
01/05/2025 - Cedar bracelets having cleared through New Zealand Biosecurity
02/05/2025 - A beautiful park, Albert Park, that I walked to on my first day
02/05/2025 - Fuku Sushi, Auckland
02/05/2025 - The button on one of my favourite jackets almost fell off. Paid $10 to a tailor to have them sew it back on
02/05/2025 - L&P <3 one of my favourite drinks fr
03/05/2025 - The tourbus that I went on that gave us a more individualized tour. Thank u Paul
03/05/2025 - Maungawahau / Mount Eden, Paul took us here
04/05/2025 - In the morning I just woke up and started walking along the harbour. Ended up walking like 20k steps that day
05/05/2025 - Wellington
05/05/2025 - Modern Kava display and how it kinda puts my Uncle on blast
06/05/2025 - Once again NZ is not beating the beautiful & whimsy allegations. Also the cafe owned by my friend's cousins!
06/05/2025 - Tour of the New Zealand Parliament while it was in session
07/05/2025 - Taumatawhakatangihangakouauotamateaturipukakapaikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu on the way to Clive
07/05/2025 - My rental car in Waitangi Regional Park in Clive
08/05/2025 - After my morning swim
08/05/2025 - Hotel room view of the Sky Tower, Auckland
09/05/2025 - Bad Bunny spotting in Auckland
10/05/2025 - View from the Sky Tower, Auckland
10/05/2025 - I was on FaceTime with S before this started and I watched and cried it was so beautiful
10/05/2025 - On the ferry towards Waiheke Island
10/05/2025 - Close to the beach where Lorde filmed all of her stuff for Solar Power
11/05/2025 - Landed into Sydney and given a Mā te wā by the Air New Zealand in flight entertainment system
